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Four Keys to Succeeding With a Skeptical Audience

The prospect of speaking to an audience that is skeptical, hostile, or misinformed is not pleasant. We worry about what might happen, how the audience will react to our message, and what consequences may follow. It is human nature to fear the worst – even when the worst is not likely to happen. Of course, we cannot always control the circumstances that lead to facing a less than supportive audience. But we can prepare in ways that reduce the likelihood of the situation spinning out of control, while increasing the probability that we stabilize or even make the situation better. The key is to concentrate on the factors we can control. Our preparation needs to focus on the factors that make success more likely than failure. Here are four keys to preparing and delivering a successful presentation to audiences who may be skeptical or even hostile. First, we need to be clear about our purpose for speaking and what we want to accomplish. Meeting with a hostile group absent a purpose and plan can lead to the situation quickly disintegrating and fostering confusion and frustration. Do we want to inform? If so, we need specific information, credible facts, and clear messages to share. Do we want to convince? If so, we need to understand the concerns and perceptions of the audience. We need to know what audience members value and how we might meet their needs and appeal to what is important to them. Do we want to respond to a concern or apologize for some action? If so, we need to be clear about what we take responsibility for and why we see a response or apology as important. We also need to be ready to explain what we intend to do to make it right. Second, we need to remain focused on the situation or topic. Extraneous stories, disconnected examples, and unaligned comparisons are likely to create confusion, frustration, and even more hostility. The length of our comments is far less important than our sincerity, commitment, and specificity. Our preparation needs to sort what is crucial to our message and avoid what may be distracting or sound like excuse making. Third, we need to be confident. Confidence can be difficult to generate in stressful situations. Nevertheless, a plan that focuses on why our comments are important, what we want to accomplish, and how we will organize our thoughts and words can lessen our anxiety and build our self-assurance. Our ability to project confidence can go a long way in reducing the anxiety of the audience and inject believability in what we have to say. Fourth, we need to remain open to and respectful of other perspectives and opinions. Our ideas and understanding represent one view of the circumstance. Others may also have worthy ideas and insights. When people ask questions and even challenge our message, we need to remain calm, listen carefully, and reserve judgement as much as practical. The questions we hear can open new avenues of understanding and lead to solutions we may not have considered. On the other hand, when we fail to listen and respect the views of others, we risk undermining our message and making the situation worse. Few of us look forward to controversy and confrontation. In fact, people who enjoy conflict often are least effective in managing and resolving the issues and emotions involved. On the other hand, avoiding situations where we need to share a message or address an issue can also make the situation worse and undermine our leadership. The best option: be clear about the purpose and desired outcome, plan and prepare well, and buttress our message with confidence, understanding, and respect.

April 07, 2022

Six Keys to Navigating Emotional Eruptions

These are frustrating and bewildering times for many students. Family routines and living conditions may have changed. Many students have experienced the loss of loved ones. Some students may be the victims of the emotional outbursts and abuse of others in their lives. Schools can also be places where pressures mount and frustrations build. Not being successful, feeling isolated, and having to comply with expectations are just some of the potential sources of emotional stress students experience. It is not surprising that the confusion and frustrations students feel sometimes build and may come out in emotional eruptions. Once emotions boil over, controlling them can be difficult, especially for young people who see few options to change and make their lives better. Our challenge is to respond with sensitivity and skill while keeping everyone safe. Here are six keys to navigating these occasions with empathy and professionalism. First, intervene early. Students often show signs that they are becoming upset and may be moving in the direction of an emotional eruption well before they lose control. We might choose to ignore the student and hope that they are able to manage their emotions. This approach might work with some students under some conditions. However, when emotions continue to escalate, the level of disruption, emotional costs, and time required to respond usually make early intervention the better choice. When students show signs of growing agitation, often a quick check-in to see how the student is doing or offering a short break for self-calming can be enough to deescalate emotions and maintain control. Showing care before the situation escalates can often be enough to avoid a full-blown meltdown. Second, keep everyone safe. Guiding the student to a space away from other students can minimize the risk that anyone might be physically harmed if the student strikes out in frustration. If the student refuses to move, or moving the student is not practical, we can move other students a safe distance away. However, if it appears that anyone might be in physical danger, including us, we need to reach out for support from another adult resource. Waiting until someone is harmed is too late. Third, assume a calm and patient stance. If students who are out of emotional control sense that we are panicking, becoming angry, or are impatient, their reaction is often to escalate the outburst. When our emotions are focused on ourselves, we cannot establish an emotional connection with the student. Listening, comforting, and understanding can be our best tools. Fourth, avoid making threats. When students are in a state of high agitation, processing information is difficult, if not impossible. Threatening actions can make the situation worse. Verbal threats will not likely lead to emotional calm and control, if they are heeded at all. Don’t be surprised if students later do not recall what we said to them during the time their emotions were out of control. Fifth, delay discussion of consequences and next steps. Once the emotional crisis has passed and the student is calm and can engage, there will be time to discuss what happened and what, if any, disciplinary consequences are appropriate. This discussion needs to be in the context of understanding and finding solutions and strategies to avoid future episodes. Students need to be responsible for their behavior, but they often need us to teach and coach them in how to recognize and manage escalating emotions. Sixth, tend to the emotions of the class. Emotional outbursts by classmates can be traumatizing experiences. Some students may be frightened. Others may respond by becoming upset and losing control of their emotions. Still others may be angry and resentful in response to the situation. Spending a few minutes processing what happened can help students to make sense of the experience and give us clues regarding who in the class may need more attention and follow-up. As much as we might wish we could, we cannot protect our students from many of the challenges and frustrations they face in life. We also cannot always anticipate and prevent emotional eruptions. However, we can be there to provide support, guidance, and insight to help students through these difficult experiences. Often it is enough just to be someone our students can trust and count on when they need us.

March 02, 2022

Four Ways to Build Understanding and Search for Common Ground

In times of extreme political and ideological polarization, we can be tempted to categorize people and draw conclusions about their perspective before we fully understand. We can fall into the trap of assuming what people mean and placing their words in our contextual thinking before we fully grasp what is said. We can fall victim to the urge to correct, argue, and dismiss rather than listen and build understanding. The result can be embarrassing responses, disconnected declarations, and unnecessary conflict. Consider a statement such as, “Our schools are hurting students.” These may feel like “fighting words” to those of us who give our lives to educating young people and who for the past two years have fought to protect their health and safety. How can schools be hurting students? Schools exist to nurture, protect, and support young people. Yet, after further dialogue, we understand that the statement comes from a perspective that schools are too standardized and rigid to serve the needs of all children. The argument is for more flexibility and personalization. Once we understand the intent of and context for the statement, many of our initial assumptions may be dispelled and we might see the statement in a new light. We may even agree and choose to engage in an exploratory conversation about how schools might be more flexible in response to the wide range of student learning and support needs. Before deciding we know what is intended and what the other person is thinking, we do well to inquire, invite explanation, and open a dialogue. Yet, seeking to understand can be challenging as we often respond emotionally and feel the urge to pushback and defend what we think is counter to our thinking. Of course, choosing to listen and learn can help us to avoid many of the communication missteps and pitfalls that can lead to unwarranted conflict and even embarrassment. When we find ourselves ready to draw conclusions, push back, and dismiss what we hear, we can shift our focus to learning by presenting one or more of the following invitations:

Tell me more… This response “opens the door” for the speaker to explain their meaning and provide context to help us understand what is behind the statement. Often, this simple invitation is enough to clarify the intent behind the words and create an opportunity for a productive dialogue.

Walk me through how you think about… This request invites greater depth of information about how the speaker is “connecting dots” and creating meaning about the topic or issue at hand. What we hear may provide us with key information to probe further or find some common ground upon which we can begin a dialogue.

What has led you to conclude… In this question we are probing what and who has influenced the person’s thinking and led them to the conclusion behind their statement. We may find that some confusion has found its way into their thinking, or someone they trust has told them what to think, even though they have not fully examined the source and implications of what they have said. Conversely, we may find that they have information we do not and that their perspective deserves our closer examination.

What are some examples… This response is often most effective when the statement we hear features generalities and vague accusations. By asking for examples, we can better understand the implications of what is being said. We may also find that the person has no specific examples and is passing along an unverified rumor. This may be a context in which we choose to withhold judgment until we have access to more specifics and clear examples.

Admittedly, it can be difficult to step back and pause when we hear what seem to be untrue and baseless statements. Yet, unless we understand the source and context of these statements, we risk appearing foolish and judgmental. Taking some time to listen and learn can be a valuable investment of our time and attention and build useful important common ground.

February 14, 2022

The Difference Between Being Kind and Being Nice

The terms “nice” and “kind” are often used interchangeably. Both behaviors imply a positive approach and sensitivity to another person. When we were children, our parents often encouraged us to be nice and be kind. We likely never considered whether there is a difference between the two. However, when we think about the intentions associated with these two behaviors, a subtle but important difference begins to emerge. We might say, “He is just being nice.” This statement conveys an implication that what is being said or done is not necessarily based in full honesty and openness. Rather, it is calculated and meant to have the other person feel good, even if the truth or reality is not consistent with the words and actions. Of course, “being nice” can be a way of avoiding conflict or hurt feelings. In some cases, “being nice” may even carry an implication of manipulation. Some “nice” behaviors are really intended to gain agreement or secure permission without justification. Behaviors considered to be “kind” also consider the sentiments and sensitivities of another person. Kindness takes the interests of the other person into consideration but goes beyond solely wanting to make the other person feel good. Kindness includes sharing what another person may need to know or guidance that would be beneficial, including when what is said or done may cause discomfort. Drawing attention to a mistake, pointing out a misstep, or informing of an unanticipated implication can be kind, even though it may lead to awkwardness, or even pain. Of course, there are times and places for both behaviors. Sometimes a less-than-genuine compliment might be permitted. Ignoring a minor misstep may not have long-term consequences. On the other hand, a genuine friend and supportive colleague who has another person’s best interests in mind may face the need to provide uncomfortable feedback or convey disagreement without causing undue embarrassment, offense, or undermining long-term confidence. In our roles as educators, professional colleagues, and leaders, it is important to keep in mind the difference between “being nice” and “being kind.” Sometimes “being nice” can be a thoughtless and cruel act. Failing to be completely honest can lead to consequences as hurtful as being dishonest. At the same time, being direct in our observations and feedback does not mean being rude and hurtful. Kindness is rooted in respect and candor. Thoughtfulness, sensitivity, timing, and understanding are key elements of true kindness. As we make our way through these challenging and often confusing times, we do well to consider the benefits and implications of “being nice” and “being kind.” Being nice might be a preferred choices at times, but kindness never goes out of style.

January 24, 2022

Conquer the Greatest Enemy of Productive Communication: Fear

Communication is the glue that forms and sustains relationships. Communication allows us to address conflicts and engage in collaboration. Communication helps us to make connections and share understanding. Communication helps us to understand and resolve our most vexing problems. To say that communication is the “grease” that keeps our families, communities, and society functioning is not an exaggeration. Yet, communication is not necessarily easy. Despite good intentions, our attempts to communicate can lead to confusion and misunderstanding. Intended messages can be lost in emotion and assumptions. In fact, longstanding feuds have emerged and even wars have been fought because of poor communication. While there are many factors that contribute to effective communication, it has one near universal enemy: fear. When we are fearful, we can find it difficult to listen well. We can make assumptions that interfere with understanding. We can jump to conclusions before the message is even fully delivered. Fear can lead us to plan unwarranted counter attacks and accusations and make conflict even worse. While we may not always be able to eliminate the presence of fear in difficult conversations, there are steps we can take to account for its presence, lessen its impact, and increase the effectiveness of our communication. When we face the prospect of having an important, but potentially contentious conversation, we can use a four-step plan to reduce and counter the presence of fear. First, we can recognize the presence of our fear. When we are fearful about what may lie ahead in a difficult conversation, we can become rigid in our approach and blaming in our message. Rather than planning arguments and counters to what we fear, we can start by reflecting on what is causing it. Once we understand why we are anxious we can ask ourselves questions such as, “What is the worst that can happen?” “What am I trying to accomplish?” And “How can I avoid having my fear get in the way?” Often simply recognizing our fear and its source can lessen our anxiety and reveal ways to avoid having it compromise our communication. Fear tends to lose its power when it is examined and measured. Second, we can think about the conversation from the perspective of the other person or persons who will be involved in the conversation. What fears will they likely be experiencing? How might their fears interfere with their ability to listen and accept messages we want to communicate? When we gain an understanding of the perspective of others, we also can adjust our approach to take their fears into account and address them in our conversation. Third, when we feel we have a reasonable grasp of our fears and the fears the other person might be experiencing, we can develop “talking points” to help us stay focused and not allow our anxiety and fear get in the way. Some people feel more comfortable with a full script for starting the conversation. However, we need to be careful not to have the conversation become stilted and sound as though it is a script. We might start the conversation by providing reassurance about our motivation and intention. For example, we might say, “I know that this is a difficult situation and I want to help.” “I care about you and our relationship and I want to find a way to resolve this issue without damaging our friendship/relationship.” And “I suspect that you may be feeling overwhelmed right now, but I am confident that we can find some ways to make this situation manageable.” Fourth, as the conversation unfolds, we can listen for the presence of fears we had not anticipated. We need to be ready to provide reassurance and explore ways to avoid having these unanticipated fears get in the way of a productive exchange. Sometimes we may even need to ask for help from the other person to find a way to address their assumptions and perceptions. Importantly, our commitment to address the concerns of the other person can lead to greater shared commitment and courage to find solutions that otherwise would not have been possible. Of course, difficult conversations may still require us to address uncomfortable and awkward subjects. However, unless we recognize the role and impact of fear, we may never be able to reach the level of communication necessary for shared understanding and resolution.

November 15, 2021

A Six-Part Strategy for Responding to Verbal Attacks

Experiencing a verbal attack is never pleasant, especially when it is unwarranted and relies on inaccurate information. Unfortunately, it seems that uninformed, anger-driven, highly emotional public outbursts are increasingly common behaviors among those who disagree with decisions, want a change in policy, or otherwise fail to get their way. Of course, there are steps we can take in formal meetings to limit unacceptable behavior, such as establishing norms and expectations and providing strong meeting facilitation. We can also choose not to take what is said personally. The person who launches a personal attack is responsible for their behavior. We do not have to own or accept their emotions or actions. Still, we can feel powerless in the face of such attacks, especially when they occur away from a structured environment. Without thinking, we can respond in ways that make the situation worse. Let’s explore a six-part response strategy we can employ to protect ourselves and avoid escalating the situation. First, we can resist becoming defensive. When we choose a defensive stance, we invite the attacker to counter our response and sustain their attack. We give the other person an easy target for their emotions. Further, when we become defensive, we typically stop listening and ready ourselves to push back. Choosing this stance makes escalation of the situation a predictable outcome. Rather, we can refuse to take the attack personally. What we are hearing may be directed at the position we hold as much as it is at us. Further, even if we have some fault in the situation, it is our behavior that is in question, not who we are as a person. Second, we can affirm the emotions driving the attack without accepting accusations and assumptions behind the attack. We can acknowledge that the other person may be feeling fear, frustration, or confusion, but we need to remain calm and speak firmly. Our best response is to convey respect and caring. As examples, we might say, “I can see that you are upset.” Or, “I can see how that might be frustrating to you.” Third, we can pose questions and collect information that positions the attacker to participate in an interchange that can help us to better understand what is behind the attack. For example, we might inquire about how the situation or decision has an impact on the attacker. We also might ask what positive suggestions the attacker has to resolve the situation. The goal is to have the attacker become a contributor to understanding and resolution rather than continuing to rant. Fourth, where possible, we can reaffirm goals and principles we share with the attacker. If we can establish a connection and lift up shared interests, we move from a position of opposition to one of joint effort and partnership in finding a solution. We may even note past experiences we have shared that demonstrate common interests and efforts. The objective is to move past rhetoric and accusations to understanding, progress, and resolution. Fifth, we can share information we have that might help the attacker better understand the situation, decisions, or other actions we have taken. When presented in the light of shared goals and common principles, background information and supporting rationale for our position or actions can further de-escalate the situation and move the interaction in a productive direction. However, we need to be careful not to attempt to shift blame, or “throw others under the bus” to make us look good or redirect frustrations. Sixth, we can accept responsibility for actions we have taken and, if appropriate, apologize for any missteps or mistakes we made in the situation. The impact of the other five parts to our response will be undermined if we refuse to own our behavior and any impact it has had on the situation. Further, by taking appropriate responsibility we can lay the ground work for a future relationship and greater trust, understanding, and respect if a similar situation occurs in the future. It may not be possible to prevent all verbal attacks. Yet, the way in which we respond to attacks can make a huge difference in what happens next, whether the interchange leads to a positive outcome, and whether the person chooses the same approach in the future.

September 20, 2021

Share Your Tips & Stories

Share your story and the tips you have for getting through this challenging time. It can remind a fellow school leader of something they forgot, or your example can make a difficult task much easier and allow them to get more done in less time. We may publish your comments.

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Our Respect for Student Names Can Build or Break Relationships

The first weeks of a new year are filled with organizing procedures, creating routines, and communicating expectations. There is much to do to launch a new year. However, there is one task that we can ill afford to ignore: learning student names. We may not give it much thought, but names matter. The relatively simple task of respecting, learning, and pronouncing names correctly can be a big deal. Names are also an important aspect of our identities. Consider the message of the popular Johnny Cash song from a few decades ago: A Boy Named Sue. When we fail to learn student names early in the year or ever, we risk sending a message that we do not care enough to make the effort or that our students do not count enough to be recognized as individuals. It is not surprising in these circumstances that many students will choose not to invest in their learning or respond to our instruction. Why should they care about what we offer and expect if they believe that we do not care enough to know their names? If we fail to pronounce students’ names correctly, we risk sending a similar message. When these students come from different cultures and have names unfamiliar in the English language, we risk communicating that we also do not respect their culture and identity. If these students are also still learning English, we can create even greater feelings of separation and further complicate our relationship. As a result, we can make reaching them even more difficult. Yet another element deserving our attention is assigning nicknames to students based on some aspect of their name, especially when the nickname may be perceived as less than positive and respectful. We may intend the practice to be playful, and even endearing, but we are assigning an identity to students based on our perceptions and preferences, not their choosing, and potentially without their permission. Like many other aspects of humor, we must be careful to avoid having what is intended to be funny result in emotional pain. Even worse is the practice of intentionally mispronouncing student names or assigning negative nicknames to intimidate or denigrate students who are different, misbehave, or demonstrate a negative attitude. This behavior is especially egregious as it often masquerades as humor that is well-intended, but misinterpreted. Unlike many conditions that can interfere with student learning, there are specific and relatively simple steps we can take to avoid having our treatment of student names become a barrier to relationships and compromise our influence on student success. First, we can make learning student names a priority during the first weeks of the year and when new students enter our class or learning environment. By focusing on names, using them frequently, and reviewing them often, we can accomplish this task. Second, if pronouncing some students’ names is challenging, we can ask them to pronounce their names for us and make phonetic notations to help pronounce them correctly. Collecting this information in private is usually best. Of course, practicing saying names can solidify and help to store them in our memory. If necessary, we can utilize online language resources or consult language experts to assist our efforts. Third, we need to be careful to avoid assigning or using nicknames unless we have specific permission or students request that we use their nicknames. As noted earlier, the close connection between names and identity makes modifying or substituting student names an unnecessary risk to our relationships and ability to reach and teach students. Learning and respecting names might seem like a small thing. Yet, our attention to and treatment of this aspect of student identities conveys a message about who we are and our commitment to supporting them as they learn.

August 16, 2021

Is There an Ideal Praise-to-Criticism Ratio?

In a recent In Your Corner article we gave some specific positive advice for doing classroom observations—whether they are done in the traditional in-person style or in the context of remote teaching and learning. As a result of the article, one principal wrote: “All my teachers’ observations will be renamed teacher celebrations.” Wow! What a great way to reframe what is often thought of as an anxiety producing process. Still, we have to be realistic. Giving feedback (sometimes negative) to colleagues and subordinates is essential to their learning and growth, just as it is with students. However, we do worry that giving too much negative feedback, even when our colleagues are on the wrong track, will negatively impact our relationship with them. We get concerned that not being honest with them may only serve to cripple them in the long run. So what are we to do? And is there a guide—an ideal praise-to-criticism ratio—that would be wise to follow? Much research has been conducted on this subject. One of the most compelling studies was done by Emily Heaphy and Marcial Losada who examined the effectiveness of 60 leadership teams in a large information-processing company. They found the factor that makes the single greatest difference between the most and least successful teams was the ratio of positive comments to negative comments the participants made to one another. The average ratio for the highest producing teams was 5.6/1. Medium producing teams had a ratio of 1.9/1. And the lowest performing teams had a ratio of .36/1—almost three negative comments to every positive one. Think about a collaborative group you have been a part of and reflect upon your experiences, the group’s successes or failures, and the feelings you had. How might these ratios have played a role in your experience? Other researchers have come to the similar conclusion that a 5/1 praise-to-criticism ratio produces the best results. This is not to say negative feedback isn’t important, especially if someone is about to do something that would jeopardize themself or others. But certainly, without the right ratio of positive to negative, people may not put forth their best efforts. A recent Harvard study found critical feedback and advice can move highly competent people to the next level. But, for most, only positive feedback can motivate people to continue what they are doing well. So what are some practical steps we can take to make sure our interactions get closer to this ratio? First, we can understand we are all works in progress. We won’t always achieve this ratio—but it’s still important that we try. We can begin by tracking our current practice, limiting our tracking to a couple of people each day. The results are likely to astound us. Here are some things we should look for: How many times do we compliment others? How many times do we give statements of encouragement, check in on colleagues for things we know they are concerned about, and laugh with them? There are many other ways we can make positive connections as well. But these are a good start. Second, we can make our praise sincere and personal. The 5/1 ratio is important for our colleagues, not just the group as a whole. It’s important, of course, to praise an entire staff at times. But know that some people will assume you are praising others and not them. You must also be sincere in your praise. People have a keen nose for praise that lacks conviction. They may even interpret it as the opposite of praise, or worse, that you have low expectations for particular people, but are merely trying to be positive. Third, when we feel we have to give negative feedback, we can make sure we assess how much the person can handle and how best to present it. In truth, people can only handle so much especially if the feedback is negative. Therefore, we should limit negative comments to one or two things the person can do something about. Then we have to stop. Remember, feedback is not about getting something off our chest. It’s about helping the other person be successful. Fourth, we can monitor our tone when giving feedback. It’s possible to give negative feedback while still emphasizing someone’s strengths. For instance, “John, your ideas are outstanding. Can I ask you to supply more details the next time we talk so I can have a full understanding?” Fifth, understand that positive praise can be given publicly, but negative feedback is best reserved for a private conversation. Negative feedback, even when it’s constructive and carefully delivered, can be embarrassing. And when you embarrass someone in front of others, they may never forgive you. Therefore, always be aware of who can hear you when you have to give negative feedback, knowing that preserving a person’s standing with others is key to maintaining your good relationship with them. Giving feedback is a delicate art. It can compel a person to work harder, better and with enthusiasm—or it can crush their spirit. It can cause a person to use their strengths to the fullest or to be consumed by their weaknesses. The key is to establish the right praise-to-criticism ratio upfront. People are capable of receiving candid and constructive feedback from a person who they know sees their strengths, believes in them, and has high expectations of them. That’s why it’s important that we spend time honing this vital art. Getting it right can mean the difference in people believing in themselves and their abilities going forward or not believing in themselves at all. Zenger, J., & Folkman, J. (2013, March 15). The ideal praise-to-criticism ratio. The Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2013/03/the-ideal-praise-to-criticism

March 29, 2021

Watch Timing When Sending Home Negative News

Schools across the country are reporting lower grades and increasing course failures over the past several months. Of course, there are many reasons for the achievement slide, and it is reason for concern. In the coming months, a major focus will be on how to fill learning gaps and accelerate progress to help students get back on track. However, as I read the reports, I was reminded of a research study recently published in JAMA, the Journal of the American Medical Association. The study drew a concerning connection between the timing of negative news, such as disappointing report card contents, and increases in child abuse. The study compared reported incidents of child abuse to state child welfare agencies to the days of the week when report cards are sent home. Examination of almost 2,000 cases indicated that on Saturdays following Friday distribution of report cards, reports of child abuse jumped fourfold compared to reported incidents following the release of report cards on other days of the week. Predictably, several factors might contribute to this sad connection. Weekends typically provide more time for adults to notice and react to information provided on report cards. Adults in children’s lives who may already be feeling anger and stress can choose to take out their frustrations on children whose report cards carry negative information. Parents who see education as crucial to a better life, but without a broad range of skills and strategies to respond, may resort to punishment to motivate greater commitment to learning and school success. The study was conducted prior to the pandemic, so it is difficult to predict whether conditions have changed significantly. Yet, we know that the pandemic has increased stress levels for just about everyone. For people who are already facing challenging circumstances and do not handle stress well, the situation may be even more volatile. We also know that far too many students have already been traumatized by life. They have seen and experienced what no child should have to endure. They may live in families that struggle to find resources to live. They may be in uncertain and unpredictable environments where conflict and violence are too frequently present. Or they may be in a household where mental and psychological issues are ongoing concerns. On its face, the study might lead schools to a simple solution: Send report cards home on days of the week other than Friday. However, the findings of the study hint at a broader set of implications and cautions for school personnel, especially in light of the challenges and stress brought on by the pandemic. We need to do all that we can to help parents and caregivers develop and utilize a broad set of strategies to discipline and motivate the children for whom they have responsibility. Physical punishment remains a preferred means of discipline, especially for young children. According to the JAMA study, between 75% and 95% of parents report using physical or corporal punishment for children between the ages of two and eight. Studies also show that physical punishment that escalates to physical abuse is associated with poor academic achievement and emotional and behavior problems, the very behaviors the punishment is intended to eliminate. We must also give careful attention to the consequences of other communication with parents and caregivers that contains negative information about the behavior of children. If poor grades on a report card can stimulate abuse, it is reasonable to assume that similar information conveyed through other means may lead to similar consequences. This is not to say that we should keep any information that is not positive away from parents. Rather, we need to be thoughtful and sensitive about the timing, means, and framing of what we share. When we take the time to share the full picture surrounding negative information and provide suggestions for actions to correct the situation, we can lessen the intensity of emotional response and create a positive path forward. We also need to be alert to situations where negative information is likely to lead to physical abuse. For example, when students show unusually intense fear about how an adult will react to information we plan to share, it may be an indication that the consequences will be extreme. We may need to share the information verbally or in person to gauge the reaction and provide coaching about appropriate responses and corrective action. Of course, we need to remain alert and report incidents of abuse we suspect. Far too many children live in environments that leave them vulnerable and traumatized. We may not be able to prevent the negative forces in their lives or intervene in ways that fully counter their vulnerability. However, we can remain alert to dangers they face and do all that we can to avoid contributing to their troubles. Resource: Bright, M. A., Lynne, S. D., Masyn, K. E., Waldman, M. R., Graber, J., & Alexander, R. (2018). Association of Friday school report card release with Saturday incidence rates of agency-verified physical child abuse. JAMA Pediatrics, 173(2), pp. 176-182. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapediatrics.2018.4346

March 15, 2021

A Powerful Antidote to Emotional Hurt and Ruptured Relationships

It has been a year since the pandemic descended on us, upending our lives in so many ways. We also just finished an often disheartening and conflict-filled political season. For many of us this has been a year with emotional bruises, feelings of isolation and emotional abandonment, and ruptured relationships.

Healing the wounds we have experienced and repairing our ruptured relationships will not be a small challenge. They will not heal themselves solely by the passage of time. Ignoring them risks creating scars that will remain forever.

Of course, none of us intended to hurt, ignore, or abandon those around us. Yet, the circumstances we faced, the choices we were forced to make, and the attention we were not always able to give still may have caused damage.

In some circumstances, we know where these bruises and wounds are and who may be experiencing them. We might be among those feeling bruised and wounded. In still other situations, we may be unaware of the hurt and alienation others are feeling.

The crucial question is where to start and what to do to repair the hurt. How can we begin the process of understanding, repairing, and healing?

Fortunately, there is a powerful antidote available to us that does not require special training, additional expense, or permission to employ. The antidote can be found in unconditional and unstrained demonstrations of respect. Let’s explore how we can offer and demonstrate respect that can lead to healing and repair of relationships.

We can start by committing to an attitude and perspective that those around us deserve our respect. We need to trust and assume the positive intentions of others. We also need to take the first step. We cannot afford to wait for others to offer and demonstrate respect to us, even when we believe that most of the fault lies with the other person. If we wait, it may never happen. The respect we project can crack open doors that we thought would always stay shut.

We need to be open and ready to listen. We may hear words that are uncomfortable. We may even disagree, but we need to commit to understanding, not framing a counter narrative or defensive response. Actively listening can lead to important insights and reveal information and perspectives that we would not have known or considered. We can restate, rephrase, and summarize to signal that we hear what the other person is saying. Listening is among the most powerful demonstrations of respect available to us.

We need to empathize. We do not have to agree. Rather we need to seek to understand and appreciate the other person’s perspective, not insert our own. We might apologize if our actions have caused the hurt we are hearing. Or we may simply accept what we are hearing. What is important is to understand as deeply as we are capable.

We may ask questions, but they need to be directed at clarifying, expanding, and exploring rather than accusing, dismissing, or discounting the message. This is not a time to counter or convince through manipulating questions.

When we speak, we need to speak for ourselves. We must avoid making assumptions or assigning motivation to the words and actions of others. “I” statements about how we feel, what we understand, and what we need can keep us from further complicating, confusing, and escalating the situation.

In the end, we may need to agree to disagree, but we do not have to be disagreeable. We do not have to achieve full agreement or absolute consensus on every element and detail of the situation. However, we do need to commit to move forward and continue to connect and communicate. Equally important, if we make a commitment we must be certain to follow through. Failing to be dependable and accountable risks making the situation worse than when we began the process.

It is not always easy to give respect. At times we may need to focus our respect on the person, even when we do not approve of their opinions or behavior. We do not have to become close friends but working together productively and maintaining relationships almost always requires the presence of respect.

March 01, 2021

The Master Teacher Blog