When students trust us and see us as a safe and supportive adult in their lives, they often come to us to help them find their way through difficult, emotionally laden, complex life challenges. While we should feel honored that our students value our relationship and judgment, we need to recognize that these can be high-stakes conversations. How we respond, what we say, and the counsel we offer all deserve careful consideration.
We need to convey empathy, sensitivity, clarity, and compassion. Yet, when emotions are high, we can overstep, undermine, and alienate the student without intending or, in some cases, realizing what we have done. We can forget that the goal is to help the student find their way, not take over and solve the situation for them. With this reality in mind, here are five “do's” and five “don’ts” for engaging in high-stakes conversations with students.
Do:
- Validate the student’s feelings. We might say something like, “I can see that you are really upset” or “This seems very important to you.” We might assure the student that it is okay to feel bad, disappointed, or angry. We may not understand the full extent of their feelings, but we can acknowledge and respect their presence.
- Stay fully present. Students can sense when we are distracted, impatient, or in a hurry. When this happens, students are likely to shut down and abandon the conversation. Eye contact, open body position, leaning in, and other supportive nonverbal behaviors can encourage students to trust and be open with us. Students want assurance that we care.
- Listen carefully and actively. Careful listening includes attempting to hear what is not said as well as what is. Head nodding, verbally feeding back what we are hearing, and confirming our understanding reassures students and encourages them to say what is truly on their mind.
- Keep questions open and neutral. Our questions need to help the student reflect and share. Questions that sound accusatory or blaming can shut down the conversation and leave the student feeling as though we are not supportive and interested in helping them find their way through what they are feeling and experiencing.
- Be supportive. It is best to ask what we can do to be supportive. The best support is likely to be what the student wants and needs, not what we assume will be helpful. We can’t assume that what would work for us is what will be best for the student. If the student is not sure what they need or what to do, we might offer to work with them to figure out the best solution.
Don’t:
- Make unfounded assumptions. We may think that we know more than we do. Assuming something that is not true or jumping to premature conclusions can make the situation worse and alienate the student at a time when they desperately need us. Similarly, it is risky to assume that what would work for us in similar circumstances is what would be best for the student.
- Compare the student’s situation with others. It may be true that other students appear to face greater challenges or more difficult circumstances. However, making comparisons usually is not welcome or helpful. What seems a reasonable comparison to us may feel wildly disconnected from the perspective of the student.
- Downplay the gravity of the situation. What seems a minor problem and temporary setback to us may feel huge to the student. We need to resist being dismissive, even if the situation sounds blown out of proportion. Similarly, we need to refrain from making judgements based on our own experiences or estimate of the size of the problem. To the student, the situation is troubling and that is enough.
- Give advice without permission. The student may just want to be heard. Talking through emotional situations and hearing themselves describe what they are feeling may be all that they need. If we have advice to offer, we might ask the student if they would like advice. Importantly, if the student says “no,” we need to let it go.
- Rush the conversation or solutions. We may be in a hurry and want to “cut to the chase.” If we do not have time for the conversation, we might suggest a time when we can give our full attention rather than press forward when we feel urgency and can’t give our full attention. Similarly, we may see what seems like a good solution and try to sell it before the student is ready. What is most important is that the student is ready for resolution or deciding next steps. We need to be patient and supportive until the student is ready.
As much as we sometimes want to take control and tell students what they should do when they face a difficult challenge, it usually is best to position ourselves as coaches, reflectors, and supportive advocates. These can be important, informal learning opportunities for our students. We want them to build the confidence and skills to manage the current circumstance and be ready for other challenges that may lie ahead.
